Saturday September 12

Some serious decisions need to be made during the week and am still trying to work out what I am going to do. Will I stay? How much longer? Yet it made me realize how much I've changed over the last 10 years. 10 years ago it was decisions like this that had me downing endless bottles of Pepto Bismol because I'd be thinking of the idea that I needed to be somewhere in X amount of time. The classic idea that you need to go to college, get a job, have a family, etc. I've graduated from college and have the degree in teaching but I'd be lying if I said that my head was 100% into it. It's something I'm going to try, but right now it's an option rather than a definite career path. I'm 28 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I am finally comfortable with that.

I'm not sure if there is a such thing as an "ideal" situation or not for me, but that is irrelevant. It's the process of looking for the ideal that keeps me going I can honestly say that I've learned more about myself and the people around me in the last 2 years than I have throughout my entire academic career. That's not to say that I didn't learn anything in school. However, school is a cushion and many students, including myself, have used it as such. It's safe to say, "I'm just going to keep taking classes until I figure out what I want to do." I've never met one person who has actually figured it out that way. It's a bubble and it's not until you actually push yourself out of it that the real lessons start. To be honest, the thought of working doing the same thing for 30 years scares the hell out of me. I've never had that kind of attention span. Right now it's about exploring as many options as I can and taking different paths along the way not knowing where I will end up. That's what keeps me going. Maybe that's not the ideal way to look at it but it's what's keeping me happy at the moment, and more importantly what's keeping me sane. I'm not planning on starting a family anytime soon- it's all about exploring right now. Whatever happens it will work out in the end. It always has and I finally have faith in that.

Also, there has been some incredible records helping me out along the way. Anyone who lays the old chestnut, "Nobody makes good records anymore" on you is completely full of it. There's too many!

1) Mew- No More Stories...

2) Susanna & the Magical Orchestra- 3

3) Deathprod- Morals & Dogma

4) Hawkwind- P.X.R.5

5) Hawklords- 25 Years On

6) Prefab Sprout- Steve McQueen

7) No-Man- Together We're Stranger

8) Sweet Billy Pilgrim- Twice Born Men

9) Neil Young- Archives Vol I (DVD)

10) American Music Club- Love Songs For Patriots